One Week of Silence

When I planned my trip to Sri Lanka this year, I wanted to do something I've never done before: seven days in a monastery, not using the phone, not talking, just being with yourself and with your thoughts. I thought this could be a good idea to slow down from a stressful life and take time to reflect on things that you otherwise don't find time to reflect on. I was also interested what that makes to my mind and if it maybe makes me a better person. Here are the thoughts from my experience during this week.

Day 1 — Sun, 27. Sep

The way to the meditation centre

With a loud honk by the tuktuk driver I arrive in the courtyard of Nilambe. Seeing the Silence Please sign at the entrance I try to make him aware that this is a silent meditation centre. Looking for a reception or something similar I see nobody – this place feels totally empty. After walking around the buildings very quietly, I see a face looking and smiling at me. I walk towards him thinking that this guy looks like Upul – the master of Nilambe. Showing him our messages to silently identify myself, he just says "nice phone" and walks away. Intimidated I follow him to what looks like his office. After filling out the check-in form, he asks me about my meditation experience – none. "Hm", he replies, "we don't have any guided retreat right now", but I can still stay for a week to practice meditation. Talking to Upul feels like playing a videogame – he always takes a couple of seconds to think and then replies. When meditating I should focus on my breath and be in the present. If the mind starts wandering, gently bring it back to the here and now.

The entrance

Walking to my room I already feel forced to take each step slowly and mindfully. Then, in the room I am greeted by dozens of spiders – problem for later, I think, first it's tea time. I enter the dining room with a Silence Is Here And Now sign hanging in the middle and pretend to know how to prepare a Sri Lankan green tea. An old lady offers me a bucket with biscuits, which taste like nothing. Checking the timetable, I see that it's soon time for group meditation – time to gain some first experiences. In the meditation hall there are already a handful of people: 3 women, 1 man and a young monk (all look Sri Lankan). Some of them sit, some walk around.

The dining hall

I decide to sit down and leave walking meditation for the next day. After finding a somewhat comfortable posture, I close my eyes and try to think about nothing – how hard can it be? Thoughts about past and future keep popping up – not even 5 seconds can I do without thinking no matter how hard I try! And I really try, I'm not leaving the room before the others. Finally, the man comes up to me telling me it's dinner time. I check the clock in the dining hall and it is quarter past 6, I spent almost 2 hours of "meditating"! Crazy how fast the time passed! Dinner is surprisingly big for a snack, but I try not to overeat after reading about the importance of reasonable portions.

Next up is chanting. I enter the meditation hall right before 6:45pm and everyone is already lined up to start. Right when I sit down the monk child in the front starts singing with the voice of an angel and everyone follows the chant. Am I supposed to join? I don't even know the text so I stay silent and just move my lips. When I realize that there's a songbook in front of me it's already too late – well, tomorrow I'll try. The last activity of the day is a guided group meditation by the master. Guided meaning two sentences of "be in the present" and one hour fighting against my thoughts, again without success.

On the way to my room I follow my neighbour since I forgot my torch and lie down in bed not caring about the spider above me. I'm so tired that I fall asleep before 9pm anyways.

Day 2 — Mon, 28. Sep

The day starts with an early alarm and the realization that I need to hurry to make it to the morning meditation, which is basically the same as the evening session. Before going to bed I read that it is not crucial to have no thoughts, but much more to observe them in a friendly way and not to get caught in them. With that in mind and new motivation I can concentrate way better. Still I am wondering how proper meditation should feel like but at least I'm getting better at it.

After the morning tea I spend some time walking around the buildings and exploring the yoga hall, library and garden. It's a beautiful place, which will be my home for 6 more days. Back in my room I realize that I've got a leech biting me on my leg. I cannot pull it out so I use the leech repellent from the dining hall, which the leech does not seem to like. It comes off with a lot of blood ruining my only pair of white pants – time to wash it!

My room

For today's working meditation I spend time cleaning my room and getting rid of all the spiders. Then I sit down outside of the dining hall looking towards the garden – my chill spot no. 1. From here I listen to the birds singing, the wind blowing and watch the squirrels jumping around. I open the book, which is lying next to me – A Buddhist's Reflection on Life – which will become my favourite book for this week. Big recommendation for everyone!

The garden

Before lunch I do another meditation session on my own, first time trying walking meditation. I don't really know how to do it but I just try to focus on my steps walking back and forth.

From 12–14 it's lunch, reflection and rest, so I use the time for a nap. I actually feel quite tired from not really doing anything. I wake up totally disoriented, as always after naps, and need to find motivation to do another meditation before afternoon tea. I realize, since there's not much else to do I really need to see meditation as a pleasant activity. I make it to tea and while drinking I think: 1/7 days done, only 6 times the same thing again. But this first day felt like training and getting to know everything, now I know what to expect.

Like yesterday I try filling the long gap between tea and dinner with meditation and it works well. The secret tip is not to think "oh one more hour until I get to eat, soo long", but to just focus on this moment and time will pass naturally.

For today's chanting I promised to join with my voice. Reading from the songbook it's actually not that hard to pronounce their language. But whenever the monk skips a word and I hear my own voice, I feel really weird.

With the gong at 8pm the meditation comes to an end and I go straight to bed – even more tired than yesterday.

Day 3 — Tue, 29. Sep

Since I cannot put an exact time for my analogue alarm clock, waking up always becomes a bet how many minutes I get to dress and walk to the meditation hall. Today it's only 8 minutes – oof, tight. The handbook guide said it's important to arrive calmly at the meditation, something I still need to work on. In today's meditation I get the feeling that I can now really calm my mind and body down through breathing. Almost so much that I fall asleep, which I wonder if it is good or bad. Anyways I take it as progress. I also learn to not give pluses or minuses to how the session went, so I try to be happy with each session and go into them without expectations.

After the morning session I build my morning routine for this week: Tea, cold shower, yoga, breakfast, quick room cleanup, brushing teeth, and then working meditation. Today I join the others cleaning the paths and garden from leaves. This seems to be their favorite activity and to me it feels really annoying at first to catch the leaves with a wooden broom. But I guess this should also teach you being calm and acting mindfully when doing work.

Living quarters

At lunch the Sri Lankan guy who stays in the room next to me starts talking to me and asks where I'm from. I answer and ask him back feeling weird to talk. People here don't seem to follow the silence part too strictly. Surprisingly being quiet has not bothered me that much yet. The bigger challenge is being bored of all the empty time. But so far I have been quite good at filling the time between food/tea (which I always look forward to) with reading, meditating, sleeping and reflecting. I feel like 5 more days like this will be a challenge but I also wonder if I will have a down in mood in the coming days, I was most afraid of day 3 and 4 but if this is the lowest point I can handle it.

While meditating my sensation of falling almost asleep becomes even stronger and I wonder if I can ask the master about advice. But whenever I see him (which is not often) he is either meditating or I am too scared to talk to him. For the evening chanting and meditation he does not even show up resulting in a very small group of the monk, two other men and me.

Day 4 — Wed, 30. Sep

I open my eyes at 4:40am thinking "another day in the hamster wheel". I don't really mind waking up early but somehow it feels easier in my normal life where I have activities I can look forward to. Here, the day starts again with an hour of meditating while trying not to fall asleep. After breakfast I exchange numbers with my neighbour who's leaving today. He offers help for organizing the rest of my trip in Sri Lanka and to show me around Galle. I thank him and say See You while I'm not sure if I will actually take his offer or just spend my time surfing and staying in hostels, which seems more fun. But it could be a valuable experience meeting a local Buddhist. Anyways, I think I will miss his presence during meals and meditations even though we did not really talk. Now I'm the only real practitioner left here apart from the master, the monk and two people who seem to work here.

On the way to the working meditation I see all the leaves on the path that I just cleaned yesterday. The monk is brooming the same courtyard that he broomed yesterday. While cleaning the same path again, I wonder what the purpose of this is. One hour of work that is being destroyed by the wind in just one day – unthinkable in our modern world where we own so many tools that make our life easier, but not necessarily happier.

With all my confidence I manage to talk to the master asking for a private conversation. When I ask my questions I try to follow the theme I read on a sign here: "Speech should be truthful, gentle, timely and useful". Upul again takes his time to think which makes me unsure if he finished or is about to say something else. From our conversation I learn to take a deep inhale to get rid of tiredness while meditating and that physical exercise, if done mindfully and with health as purpose, is encouraged. With this in mind I start implementing an afternoon workout in my day. Today it's light pilates and I feel a bit weird doing bicycle crunches in front of a Buddha statue.

Looking towards the hills

Another thing I like to do is sitting on the stairs of the yoga hall, looking towards the hills on the horizon and reflecting about life, friends, work. An excerpt of topics are: How do you recognize genuine friendship? What is the role of work in a happy life? (How) can you motivate competition? Should we be more satisfied with having less? If you want to know the answers, you can contact me privately. After this insightful and valuable (let's be honest, we never really take the time to take a step back and think of the bigger picture of important life questions) thinking session, I experiment with a new type of meditation that I read about: toilet meditation (can highly recommend!). Then it's time for the dinner snack.

One note about the food: it is far better than expected. I was worried to get small daily portions of dal, but so far it has been very diverse (though lots of rice) and quite a lot, even with a sweet treat usually! Also I am trying to get used to the green tea and to go without coffee for this week.

The chanting session is a very private experience with only the monk, the master and me. I really need to learn how to sit with folded legs, during the 20 minutes of chanting my left leg always goes numb.

I forgot to mention that even though I was afraid of day 4, today I experienced my highest mood so far. After the talk with the master and my successful reflection, I felt so motivated to finish this week and take learnings home with me. Let's hope it doesn't go downhill again!

Day 5 — Thu, 1. Oct

I start getting used to the daily life here. Read, eat, meditate, sleep and repeat. It kind of feels normal now, but when I think about my normal life, my home, my friends, my family and my hobbies I really miss that.

I still struggle with morning tiredness when meditating but when I hear the guy next to me snoring I know I'm not the only one. In the afternoon before or after tea my concentration is usually best and I tend to get into the most meditative states during that time. Something to take away as a learning, maybe physical activity in the morning such as running is better for me to get the day started.

The outdoor meditation pond

In the afternoon I sit at my usual reflection spot while I observe a thunderstorm getting closer. I start meditating to then soak in all observations from nature: the wind blowing through the trees, the animals becoming more quiet, the distant thunder getting closer and closer. This must be one of the most powerful nature forces I've experienced, lightning so close that I feel the ground vibrating from its thunder. It makes me want to be more in the present moment when next time looking down from a mountain peak or watching the sunset.

Then I decide to do my first actual workout here. Like the master said it should be done mindfully and the goal should only be health, not better looks. I try to do each repetition slowly and with the breath focusing on the muscles. This actually feels really good and I think that I could use this experience to also train more mindfully in the gym. However, I find it hard to keep on pushing that extra pushup while focusing on body health and not driven by the greed of muscle gain.

At dinner I encounter a problem from my workout: I'm way more hungry than usual. And since dinner is only a smaller snack I don't really feel full afterwards. But somehow this need for food is totally gone after the evening meditation.

Before going to sleep I light up one of the candles I got for the first time and watch it burn down completely. I've never been that amazed by a candlelight but watching the flame moving felt like discovering a new world of magic.

Day 6 — Fri, 2. Oct

Today is my second-to-last day here and I committed myself to follow the timeplan as strictly as possible for today. This means around 7 hours of meditating – almost a full time job! In the end I clock 5 hours plus 2 hours of workout meditation (never skip leg day), but idk if that counts. Since I get a bit bored of the usual sitting meditation I experiment with some other types that I read about: meditation on loving-kindness, awareness meditation and of course the glute bridge meditation (which I invented). The loving-kindness meditation, where you should sense and intensify a warm feeling in your heart and send it out to people you love and even people you dislike, feels nice in the beginning but when I then send out my love to all beings on this planet, even ants, bacteria and viruses I don't really feel it.

The meditation hall

Maybe because of this I get chased by several animals on my way to bed from the evening session. First I pick up another leech on my foot (leech counter: 7) that I manage to snap away before he gets too comfortable. Then when I grab the bottle of ayurveda juice that I drink to prevent stomach ache, a huge bug crawls from the other side of the bottle on my hand. I get one of the biggest shocks of my life and spill the rest of my juice on my bed. From now on I always check things twice before I touch them. Finally, I meet a giant cockroach sitting right in front of the toilet. I evaluate my options: smashing it with the toilet brush or chasing away with water from the bum gun. I decide to be nice and touch it gently with a stick so that it runs behind the bin – hopefully this will improve my karma with the bugs on this planet.

Today, finally some more people joined the meditation centre – 4 Sri Lankan women and one foreign (probably French) man. When I see him walking around cluelessly and pretending to feel comfortable I feel his struggle – that was me on day 1. But for some reason the new company makes the meals way weirder for me, since there are now around 7 people sitting next to each other without talking. Before with only 2 people I did not feel this urge to talk that much. It makes me think how I will communicate in the real world after this. I get the point of talking less and using words more wisely, however, I usually enjoy being around talkative people and try to be outgoing myself. I don't know yet where the right balance of social life and mindfully being on your own and spending time within yourself is.

Day 7 — Sat, 3. Oct

Not only my mind but also my body seems to be getting used to this life. It's the first time I naturally wake up a couple of minutes before my alarm (at 4:40!) and first time actually hearing the wakeup gong. It's the last full day at the retreat and I'm already a bit nervous leaving tomorrow and going back to normal. How will it feel out there? Will I have changed?

Sitting on the balcony I wonder how it would be spending more days here, or the whole life. I could just sell all my stocks and donate for 50 years here so that I would never again be stressed about job assignments, sport competitions or unhealthy relationships – but do I really want this life? With all my respect to the Buddhist idea about a happy life – I think it has to be hard, exhausting or sad sometimes, so that it can be fun, happy and joyful at other times. So I decide to leave tomorrow.

When I read in the last chapter of Buddha's Brain (my daily dose of practical neuroscience) about the non-existence of the self my reflective journey reaches its peak. The self is just an illusion made up by the brain – letting go of it would be rational and would reduce suffering, but feels very disappointing to me. Am I going crazy in here? But actually those are not my thoughts, rather thoughts that arose by a person's brain reflecting.

For another time I search for advice in talking to the master, this time aiming for more practical advice for daily life. He recommends me to practice meditation for at least two times 30 minutes a day – much more than I hoped to do. I nod while thinking that I for sure won't take that much time for meditation each day. But when we think about how much time we spend unnecessarily in front of screens this would actually be a smart time investment.

When drinking my afternoon tea I know that everything from now on will be the last time I will do it. So I give my very best to enjoy the food, drinks, the chanting and the evening meditation, which doesn't make me want to fall asleep for the first time. I walk to my cabin and cuddle into my Kung Fu Panda blanket knowing that this will be my last night here and I will be free again tomorrow.

Day 8 — Sun, 4. Oct

I haven't been as excited as this in a while, I really wonder how the next days will feel like. Surprisingly, I don't feel very social right now and will probably for the first time in Sri Lanka not book a hostel. I want to be on my own without any animals, at least for today. Comparing to how I felt before the retreat, I at least feel like I'm calmer and more mindful now, let's see if this will last. My last few meditations today, however, were not quite concentrated since my mind is probably thinking about the coming days a lot.

To distract myself I go on the hunt for leeches wondering how they can be so stupid yet so successful with me. Trying to attract them with one foot stepping into wet leaves I feel a leech sucking at my other foot that I kept in "safety". This riddle seems unsolvable and I look forward having my phone to do some research on this and other random topics that come up, such as why there is oxygen to breathe in the Sahara even though there are no trees for photosynthesis.

Finally, it's time to check out after lunch. I pack my stuff, bring back the keys, and have a last conversation with the master. When I step outside of the garden, it's the first time I have the feeling of not needing to be conscious and mindful of my movements anymore. I'm quite in a hurry to catch the bus down in the valley, and it's a forty-five minutes walk, so I walk quite fast. And I realize that the normal life is starting to catch me again.

Three days later, I am sitting on the beach at the south coast of Sri Lanka. I reflect looking out on the waves on the time that I have and the time that came after. Already after two days, I noticed how I was not paying attention to my actions anymore. It felt like everything is like before. I went to a social hostel, went out for a party in the evening, talked to many people and had a lot of fun. But I wasn't really in the moment.

I noticed, however, that when I paid attention to enjoy and feel the current moment more – looking out of the bus window, looking out on the ocean – I can be in the moment. And I can use meditation to improve my mindfulness. Maybe not for now, for this holiday, but when I'm back home in my routine, I want to practice doing that more: slowing down sometimes, and living in the moment.

“Be a source of happiness to yourself and others”